Dear Dr. Darcy:
I’ve been with my partner for a few months. It’s starting to get serious and that’s fine with me. The thing is, I’m dating a butch who is very hot, she’s been with a lot of girls and she doesn’t have a reputation for being faithful. Last night she asked me if I’d have a 3-way with her and another girl. What should I do?
Take a deep breath, because your answer to her question will certainly send the two of you in your next direction. The question is, what direction do you want it to be?
Let me back up a second… How hot is hot? Seriously, I’m not trying to be funny here. I have this theory about power within a relationship, and if she’s much more attractive than you are and your other attributes aren’t enough to balance it out, you’re going to have a relationship power imbalance.
Humor me for a second: Picture an old-school number line running 1-10. Now imagine the greatest attraction attributes which I believe are: Physical Appearance, Intelligence, Humor/Wit/Charisma, Earning potential, and Profession. Rate yourself in each area, then add up all the numbers and divide them by 5 to get a mean score. That’s where you fall on the attraction meter. Here’s the important part: IF YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO FALLS MORE THAN 2 NUMBERS EITHER UP OR DOWN FROM WHERE YOU ARE, you’re going to have a power imbalance in the relationship.
Why did I just digress? I didn’t, actually. I can’t help but wonder if you’re willingness to consider a three way because your butch is so hot (and such a player) that you feel it’s necessary to compromise your integrity (and the integrity of your relationship) in order to keep her. There is a tone of desperation in your question that makes me wonder if you’re standing on equal ground with her.
Now to answer your question: Do you want a three way? If you do, there are only 2 emotionally safe ways to have one:
- Do it with two other unattached people.
- Be the guest star.
You, my friend, are in the worst position that a person can be in with respect to a three way. I say no way to the three way.