Lesbian bed death is not necessarily symptomatic of a doomed relationship and it's certainly not a phenomenon exclusive to the lesbian community. Pair any gender combination in a long-term relationship and most will report a decline in sexual activity over time.
What I've found in my work with couples is that the more I focus on sex or the absence thereof, the more pressure the couple feels to fix the problem and the bigger the issue becomes, hence my unorthodox tips below:
1. No sex for 30 days. Nothing. That means no touching any body part that would normally be covered by underwear and bra.
I used to own a restaurant in the West Village. I had a killer menu with about 10 no-fail hits. Every month I'd take a handful of those hits off the menu. Why? Because no matter how good it tastes, if it's always available, eventually it gets boring.
2. No discussing sex for 30 days. Lesbians can talk just about anything to death. Sex is now officially off the list of things to ‘process.'
3. Take care of your To-Do's before you walk in the door at night. Do not discuss any domestic management tasks in person for 30 days. Do it via email, on the phone or through texting, but from the moment you walk through that door at night, no more talking business.
4. No-tech dinners for 30 days. That means no phones or computers. Dinner, by the way, lasts a minimum of 30 minutes. Daily.
5. Engage in 5-15 minutes of non-sexual touch daily. Clothing should be on and keep your hands on G-rated areas.
6. Every day, catch your girlfriend doing something right and tell her about it. Don’t look for something huge. It can be as simple as, “I noticed you cleaned the kitchen up last night. Thank you.”
7. No criticism for 30 days. You heard me. Do not express anything that could feel blaming in any way to her.
8. Engage in an extracurricular activity without each other 1 time weekly. The activity should last at least an hour. It will give you something new to discuss when you're together.
9. No masturbating for 30 days. In case you can't tell, I'm trying to build up some sexual tension between the two of you. If you're taking care of your own business, you defeat my goal.
10. Institute Date Night on a weekly basis. Just the two of you. I don't care what you do, but don't invite anyone other than her to attend, and take turns planning it to bring an element of surprise back into the relationship.
11. Work out a minimum of 3 days weekly for a minimum of 30 minutes each time. As women, we become more sexual when we feel better about ourselves. At the very least, it will relieve some stress.
So there you have it: A recipe for reconnecting without the pressure of having sex. A new way of relating to each another that includes dinners and dates, sans distractions and criticism, all intended to remind you of the courtship phase.
Want sex-specific exercises to bring back the heat in your relationship? Click here to download Dr. Darcy's 30-Day Cure For Lesbian Bed Death!
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