Just Do It

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Hi Dr. Darcy.

My relationship started as long distance. A month or so after we started living together everything was good, our sex life was healthy and fun. Four years later we can go weeks or months without having sex. My partner is constantly bringing this up and making it clear she's not happy because of the lack. We are close and spend a lot of time together but the sex has gone. The pressure she puts on me to bring it back isn't exactly a turn on. I spend a lot of time worrying about when she will next start an argument about it. I love her & I want our sex life back but I don't seem to be able to actually make the step and neither can she. What can I do? I don't want this relationship to end and that seems to be the way she thinks it is leading.

ANSWER

Make no mistake: Your relationship is headed for the end unless you (the collective You) find a way to become sexually intimate.

If you’re waiting to be turned on, it’s never going to happen. You’ve fallen into a power struggle around sex (she demands - you refuse). No one finds a nag sexy, and no one sticks around in a sexless relationship when they still have a need for sex.

The solution lies in behaving your way to success rather than waiting to feel differently. Start by assigning new meaning behind her requests for sex. Instead of “worrying about when she will next start an argument about it,” try viewing her requests as an attempt to connect with you. Think about it logically: She’s not intending to fight about sex. She’s intending to engage in a discussion about it so she can, A) get some reassurance that she’s not going to be rejected were she to initiate, or, B) communicate to you her wish for you to initiate sex. Stop viewing it through a historical lens which is fogged up with negative meaning. Try viewing it through a clean lens, sans baggage.

The next time she brings it up, take her hand, look her in the eye, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you also want to be closer with her, to connect more deeply with her. See if that doesn’t begin to break the negative cycle. And for the love of God, if you still want this woman in your life, make love to her – even if you’re not in the mood. I’m not in the mood to take a shower right now and get ready for work, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.

The Vaginal Orgasm

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two months and I still can’t make her come during sex. I’m getting worried that this will become a deal breaker. I’ve heard that not all women have orgasms during sex (penetration). Do you think it’s a problem that she only comes during oral sex?

ANSWER

You’re asking a lesbian if she thinks it’s problematic that your girlfriend only orgasms during oral sex. Really?

Dude, stop watching porn for sex education. 75% of women do NOT have vaginal orgasms. Furthermore, research suggest that in the majority of cases in which women do report having an orgasm during intercourse, it’s a result of clitoral stimulation – not the penis or prowess of her male partner.

If anything becomes a deal breaker in your relationship, it’s likely to be the emphasis on goal-oriented sex. Enjoy your woman. Stop focusing on what you’re unable to achieve and be grateful for what you can.

Writer’s Stats: Male, Straight.

Sex Redefined

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I'm a gold star lesbian and haven't experimented with penetration with my ex girlfriends, so does this mean I haven't had sex? And is it normal for some lesbians not to have been penetrated by a strap on etc?

ANSWER

The definition of sex needs an update, you hear that, Merriam-Webster? The existing definition, which characterizes sex as an act occurring between a male and a female in which penetration occurs, is patriarchal and hetero-normative.  Its failure to include references of homosexual sex can lead one to believe that the failure to engage in penetration renders one a virgin – which is as ridiculous as stating that a girl who uses a tampon is no longer a virgin.

So let’s decide what the new definition is:

Sex: When two people engage in physical intimacy that includes but is not limited to: oral sex, penetrative sex, or digital sex.

Now for the second half of your question: Plenty of lesbians do not engage in or enjoy penetration – and plenty rock a strap-on with pleasure. The beauty of being gay is that we get to write our own rules and determine our own norms. Any intimacy between two consenting adults (that doesn’t involve anything that cannot consent) is fine.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.