Sex Redefined

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

I'm a gold star lesbian and haven't experimented with penetration with my ex girlfriends, so does this mean I haven't had sex? And is it normal for some lesbians not to have been penetrated by a strap on etc?

ANSWER

The definition of sex needs an update, you hear that, Merriam-Webster? The existing definition, which characterizes sex as an act occurring between a male and a female in which penetration occurs, is patriarchal and hetero-normative.  Its failure to include references of homosexual sex can lead one to believe that the failure to engage in penetration renders one a virgin – which is as ridiculous as stating that a girl who uses a tampon is no longer a virgin.

So let’s decide what the new definition is:

Sex: When two people engage in physical intimacy that includes but is not limited to: oral sex, penetrative sex, or digital sex.

Now for the second half of your question: Plenty of lesbians do not engage in or enjoy penetration – and plenty rock a strap-on with pleasure. The beauty of being gay is that we get to write our own rules and determine our own norms. Any intimacy between two consenting adults (that doesn’t involve anything that cannot consent) is fine.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.

Penetrating The Problem

Dear Dr. Darcy: 

I'm a very girly femme lesbian and my girlfriend is a very butch lesbian and we have been dating for about six months, however, we don't use any type of penetration in [our] sexual relationship and my butch girlfriend does not like [penetration] however, I do. When I bring up the penetration that I would like to receive she gets offended and says that she should be enough for me. I need advice.

ANSWER

Your girlfriend is concerned that your desire for penetration means that she is less able to meet your needs. It’s a concern rooted in insecurity, and if your relationship is going to work she needs to focus more on meeting your needs and less on her narrow view of what constitutes fulfillment within a committed lesbian relationship.

Bottom line: She needs to buy and use a strap on, dildo, or other sex toy that will fulfill your need for penetration. And if she is unwilling, you have a choice: Either stay with a woman who is threatened by your sexual needs or find a woman who won’t hesitate to meet them. I think you deserve to be fulfilled sexually but it’s going to boil down to your self-esteem and what you think you deserve.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian

Meet The Evangelical Parents

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Dear Dr. Darcy:

How do I introduce my girlfriend of 1.5 years to my fundamentalist evangelical parents? I'm 31 and came out to them last March. We don't discuss it, and they haven't asked to meet my girlfriend, but they know we live together. Any pointers?

ANSWER

For starters, I would suggest telling them that you’d like to introduce your girlfriend to them and asking them if they’d like to meet her.  Their answer will let you know where they stand on the issue. You can’t force them to be in her company – unless you want to manage a train wreck, which I would caution you against.

If they’re open to meeting her, opt to meet in a restaurant. Bringing them into your home (or her into theirs) will create tension right off the bat, and we want to minimize the tension.  Do your best to minimize PDA’s in front of your parents – at least for the first few times of being in their company. Let them get to know your girlfriend as a person.

Ultimately they’re going to feel however they feel and while you can be sensitive to their beliefs, you can’t make them comfortable with something if they’re unwilling to grow and change. And then it becomes a choice point: You either accept them as they are (homophobia and all) or decide that if they can’t accept you (girlfriend and all), you can only have them marginally in your life. There’s honestly no wrong answer. Please update us on how it goes.

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.