Step Out of The Closet Before Pushing Others

Step Out of The Closet Before Pushing Others

Q:  After coming out at 18 I was in a horrible relationship with my ex-girlfriend for 3 years. My best friend at the time helped me cope and we started dating. It’s now been 3 years and I love him but I'm confused. I feel like I am a closet lesbian dating a closet gay man. 

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Single Colombian Lesbian Seeking Same

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Good afternoon Dr. Darcy,

I'm 27 years old, my parents don't know that I'm gay and I don't have lesbian friends, only one friend knows that I'm gay but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about relationships and stuff. I haven't had a girlfriend in like... never, and I really want to start a relationship with a woman. I tried connecting with people on twitter but it doesn't work and I don't want to annoy people. What would you recommend me for start a new relationship? I thank you in advance for your help.

Ps. I'm from Colombia!

ANSWER

Welcome to the team, mama. You’re in the toughest phase of being gay – that state of limbo when you know you’re gay, and some people in your world know, but because they’re straight you don’t feel comfortable discussing it with them or asking them to go out with you to places where you’re likely to meet other gays. And so you’re in this moment of isolation because you’re disconnected from the community knowing you belong in the community. Hang in there. We’ll fix this.

But the first thing we have to do is get you to stop trying to meet women via Twitter. Twitter is great for some things - online dating, not so much. But speaking of online dating, why aren’t you doing it? That’s where I’d be focusing my attention if I were you, and I used to be you and that’s exactly what I did back in the day.

I don’t know what online dating sites the girls in Colombia are using, but I’m sure an hour’s worth of research will clarify that. Here in the states you’d be using Match.com, OKCupid.com, PinkCupid.com…the list goes on and on. You can also go to MeetUp.com to find in-person gatherings for lesbians.

Ultimately, you need friends more than you need dates because most dates won’t work out (I’m not being negative here - it’s a statistical certainty) and when that happens, you need a lesbian friend who you can go out with to meet new women. This is great news for you because it means that online dating can’t fail you. Why? Because if there’ s no chemistry with the woman you meet, she becomes your friend. It’s a win-win. So get off my site and start figuring out the best lesbian dating sites in Colombia and find yourself a tribe!

Writer’s stats: Female, Lesbian.

Newbie

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Dear Dr. Darcy,

I have recently discovered that I find it really difficult to let go of a 'failed' relationship. I get myself so involved with the other person's life and feelings that they feel like part of me in a very short space of time. This has happened twice in the past 4 months....I came out as lesbian only 6 months ago and since then, my emotions have been very hard to control as if I have been waiting my whole life to fall in love with a woman and when it has happened it has been overwhelming and quite possibly scary for the other person involved. My question is 'Why is it difficult for me to let go and will it always be like this?' Thank you for your time.

ANSWER

Welcome to the land of Lesbos. It’s very common to fall hard, particularly in the beginning because, as you said, you’ve been waiting your whole life to be with a woman. That’s completely valid. As is your sense that it’s “quite possibly scary for the other person involved.”

Now we don’t want you to turn into a little creep, looking like a stalker every time a hot girl kisses you and sends you a text. You need some game. I know you’re excited and you want to start imagining U-haul day, but that will scare the other person away – no matter how into you she is.

It’s OK to feel one way and behave another way. That’s what emotionally intelligent people do. You can do all the fantasizing you’d like, but don’t share those fantasies with her on the first few dates. Pace yourself. Let her pursue you. Whether we know it or not, we all like to chase a little. It creates excitement. So let at least 5 minutes pass before responding to texts. Let her initiate at least half of the communication. Don’t share every thought that pops into your head. Allow there to be some mystery.

I don’t have a crystal ball so I don’t know if you’ll always be like this, but I’ll tell you this: If you can build some emotional muscles, i.e., become more capable of pacing yourself with women, it won’t feel as difficult after some time. It’s like going to the gym. The first time you go, you probably can’t run three miles, but after some time you’re able to. That’s not to say that the three-mile run isn’t challenging – but your body is better conditioned so it doesn’t feel as challenging as it did on the first day. You'll be fine, Baby Dyke. You just need some self-control ;)

Writer’s Stats: Female, Lesbian.