Dating A Celesbian


Dear Dr. Darcy:

My girlfriend is a very well known promoter in the [San Francisco] Bay area. Although I love her, recently I’ve begun questioning our relationship. I’m not a jealous person but she’s recognized everywhere we go. I’m finding myself feeling competitive with other women. I was a women’s studies major in college and I’m committed to supporting other women, however, when I see the constant attention and admiration she gets from strangers I feel myself becoming catty and turning into someone I don’t like. I’m all for this relationship if it helps me become a better person, but if it’s turning me into a negative person maybe it’s time to get out.


The thing about relationships is that they don’t turn us into anything that isn’t (perhaps dormant) in us. It would be very convenient to identify your partner as the problem because the solution would be simple – just pick better. But there’s a down side to placing responsibility at her feet: If it’s all her fault, you’re powerless to fix it.

I’m not hearing evidence that she’s doing anything to legitimately provoke insecurity in you. And believe it or not, if your relationship is kicking up issues in you, it’s a good thing. I believe relationships act as mirrors, reflecting our issues and magnifying them until they’re so big they can’t be ignored. It may be that you always had some jealousy inside you, and your education made it too difficult to face those feelings, so you detached from them. And I’m sure those feelings pre-dated your celesbian girlfriend.

Ask yourself how comfortable you are being the ‘supportive’ partner, rather than the one in the spotlight. It may be that your discomfort has little to do with feeling threatened by other women, rather, feeling overshadowed by your girlfriend’s professional success.

Here’s one of my tricks for managing my own relationship: When I’m hyper-focused on what Steph’s doing wrong or on negative feelings that she’s kicking up in me, I pause and ask myself, “Ok, what’s going on with me right now?” and I usually realize that she’s an easy distraction from negative emotions I’m feeling that have zero do to with her.

So do not ditch the girlfriend, because if you do you’ll find yourself with your baggage intact and no compelling reason to work through it.

Gender & Orientation: Female, Gay.




Fix Your Boring Relationship: The 30 Day Dating Challenge

Dear Dr. Darcy:

I’ve been with the same person for years. I don’t have any specific complaints. We get along, we live together, no one’s cheated, but I’m just going through the motions. I’m bored. When is it time to end a relationship?


Boring people are bored. If you’re looking for me to give you permission to leave your partner, you’re going to be disappointed. If you’re looking for some empowerment, toughen up and read on.

When we first meet our partners, we engage in an activity called dating. As time goes on and we experience greater levels of comfort and security, we stop dating. A relationship without dating isn’t romantic. It’s not sexy. It’s boring because it’s not exciting.

Dating doesn’t have to break the bank. It does, however, require thought, energy and action. I’ll give you a little dating challenge:

On a scale of 0-10, rate the current level of romance in your relationship [0=No Romance, 10= Most Amount of Romance Imaginable]. For the next 30 days, I challenge you to put the below-referenced 10 tips into action (that’s a little more than 2 action steps weekly). On day 30, rate your level of romance again using the same scale. If it hasn’t increased at least 3 points, I’ll give you a month of free therapy (I’ll expect a comprehensive accounting of the steps you took). Stop looking for your partner to ignite your passion for life. Begin by following the Golden Rule and giving what you wish to receive. Let’s see if that heats things up a bit for you. Good luck.

1.     Tell your partner one thing that youre grateful for on a daily basis.

2.     Stop verbalizing complaints. Instead, keep a complaint journal.

3.     Touch your partner for at least 5 minutes daily in a non-sexual way.

4.     Each week, send a sexy text to your partner. Yes, I’m asking you to sext.

5.     Buy your partner a surprise ~ not expensive, but thoughtful.

6.     Send a card (snail mail) to your partner’s office address.

7.     Surprise your partner with a bath ~ bonus points for rose petals.

8.     Do one of your partner’s household chores without being asked.

9.     In the last week, send your partner a short erotica story that you authored.

10.  Ask your partner to tell you the one thing they loved the most about you in the beginning of the relationship. Then do it.

Gender & Orientation: Female, Straight. 





How to Be a Fuck Buddy Without Being a Douche Bag

In the past week I’ve heard stories embodying both ends of the Fuck Buddy-Douche Bag Spectrum (yes, that’s the clinical term).

One of my clients was trying to be a fuck buddy with a guy who ultimately behaved like a DB.

A different client (also a female) is currently trying to be a fuck buddy without behaving like a DB.

Both clients gave me permission to draw inspiration from their stories in the hope that others might avoid the perils of this difficult balancing act.

As with so many relationship rules, we, the masses, are left to learn through trial and error – Unless, of course, you register for Relationship Skills Boot Camp, where you’ll get a bonus lesson that will teach you every rule you’ll need to navigate tricky relationship scenarios like this.

Click Here to jump to

Following is a list of DON’TS and DO’S. 


Don’t have sleepovers. Even if you’re lesbian. Especially if you’re lesbian. Also, if you’re a straight guy. Or any guy. Or any female. 

Don’t engage in PDA’s. It’s like marking your territory. And they’re not your territory if you only want to have sex.

Don’t continue if your partner develops feelings. Feelings disqualifies someone from being a fuck buddy. Don’t be selfish. You can’t sleep with your fuck buddy when she’s developing feelings for you without simultaneously being a douche bag. You don’t get everything you want. This isn’t kindergarten. 

Don’t cuddle. Have sex, have a smoke / one last drink, watch a little TV / Netflix, and hit the road. 

Don’t send sentimental texts. This includes but is not limited to, “I’m just thinking of you,” or, “Do you miss me?” 

Here’s how I explained it to my client today (the one who wants to be the nice fuck buddy): 

"I (Darcy) think of you (my client) during the week. Sometimes I see something funny that I know you’d laugh at, but I don’t give in to the impulse and text you. Why? Because I’m supposed to keep a professional boundary. So I wait (read: delay gratification) until our session. That way, I’m consistently sending you the message that I care about you and also that this is a professional relationship.”

Don’t make introductions. Your fuck buddy gets confused when you start introducing him/her to the people in your life. They may start to hope that your situationship will transition into a relationship. The key to casual is to keep it casual. 

Don’t invite him/her to holidays or to your birthday. For the love of God – you’d think some things are obvious. Apparently not. 

Don’t leave items at their house/allow them to leave items at yours. Is it awkward to give someone a to-go bag when you notice they left a toothbrush and clean underwear in your bathroom drawer? Of course. Which is why I’d never want a fuck buddy. This was your choice. 


Do leave shortly after having sex. Shortly = 30-60 minutes post sex. 

Do make sure your actions and words are in alignment. If you say you don’t want a relationship (which is what having this type of situation communicates), make sure your behaviors don’t provoke your partner to wonder if you mean it.

Do know your role in the power structure.  The person who doesn’t want a relationship or who first proclaimed it, is, almost always, the one with the power.  As the individual in power, you need to check yourself to ensure that you’re not misusing/abusing your power, or exploiting your partner. 

Do accept and set boundaries. Don’t get lazy with the boundaries. Sleep in your own home. Take your shit with you. And make sure your partner takes their shit when they leave. 

No one teaches us how to handle situations like this, but navigating them is essential to getting what we want in relationships without being douche bags.

Am I holding my breath that someone else is going to teach this stuff? No. That’s why Steph and I created  Relationship Skills Boot Camp, the one-stop place for you to learn everything you need to have happy, fulfilled relationships—now and for the rest of your life.

Boot Camp isn’t easy. Sometimes we’ll tell you things you don’t want to hear. But everything we’ll teach you is essential. And it’s the result of:

  • 30 years of combined experience as licensed therapists.
  • YEARS of education (I have a PhD and Steph has a Master’s Degree).
  • Hard-won experience earned through the course of our 10+year-strong relationship (Monday was our 7-year anniversary)!

I don’t know ANYWHERE else you can get that.

And it’s only available for 3 more days.

So get in while you can.

P.S. What if you have questions as you take the course? You’ll be able to ask us questions directly during our LIVE, weekly video office hours. That’s a total of 9 live hours with us. This alone is worth $7,425.00 but you get it for free as part of the course. Get your weekly live access here.