How to Be a Fuck Buddy Without Being a Douche Bag

In the past week I’ve heard stories embodying both ends of the Fuck Buddy-Douche Bag Spectrum (yes, that’s the clinical term).

One of my clients was trying to be a fuck buddy with a guy who ultimately behaved like a DB.

A different client (also a female) is currently trying to be a fuck buddy without behaving like a DB.

Both clients gave me permission to draw inspiration from their stories in the hope that others might avoid the perils of this difficult balancing act.

As with so many relationship rules, we, the masses, are left to learn through trial and error – Unless, of course, you register for Relationship Skills Boot Camp, where you’ll get a bonus lesson that will teach you every rule you’ll need to navigate tricky relationship scenarios like this.

Click Here to jump to RelationshipSkillsBootCamp.com

Following is a list of DON’TS and DO’S. 

DON’T

Don’t have sleepovers. Even if you’re lesbian. Especially if you’re lesbian. Also, if you’re a straight guy. Or any guy. Or any female. 

Don’t engage in PDA’s. It’s like marking your territory. And they’re not your territory if you only want to have sex.

Don’t continue if your partner develops feelings. Feelings disqualifies someone from being a fuck buddy. Don’t be selfish. You can’t sleep with your fuck buddy when she’s developing feelings for you without simultaneously being a douche bag. You don’t get everything you want. This isn’t kindergarten. 

Don’t cuddle. Have sex, have a smoke / one last drink, watch a little TV / Netflix, and hit the road. 

Don’t send sentimental texts. This includes but is not limited to, “I’m just thinking of you,” or, “Do you miss me?” 

Here’s how I explained it to my client today (the one who wants to be the nice fuck buddy): 

"I (Darcy) think of you (my client) during the week. Sometimes I see something funny that I know you’d laugh at, but I don’t give in to the impulse and text you. Why? Because I’m supposed to keep a professional boundary. So I wait (read: delay gratification) until our session. That way, I’m consistently sending you the message that I care about you and also that this is a professional relationship.”

Don’t make introductions. Your fuck buddy gets confused when you start introducing him/her to the people in your life. They may start to hope that your situationship will transition into a relationship. The key to casual is to keep it casual. 

Don’t invite him/her to holidays or to your birthday. For the love of God – you’d think some things are obvious. Apparently not. 

Don’t leave items at their house/allow them to leave items at yours. Is it awkward to give someone a to-go bag when you notice they left a toothbrush and clean underwear in your bathroom drawer? Of course. Which is why I’d never want a fuck buddy. This was your choice. 

DO

Do leave shortly after having sex. Shortly = 30-60 minutes post sex. 

Do make sure your actions and words are in alignment. If you say you don’t want a relationship (which is what having this type of situation communicates), make sure your behaviors don’t provoke your partner to wonder if you mean it.

Do know your role in the power structure.  The person who doesn’t want a relationship or who first proclaimed it, is, almost always, the one with the power.  As the individual in power, you need to check yourself to ensure that you’re not misusing/abusing your power, or exploiting your partner. 

Do accept and set boundaries. Don’t get lazy with the boundaries. Sleep in your own home. Take your shit with you. And make sure your partner takes their shit when they leave. 

No one teaches us how to handle situations like this, but navigating them is essential to getting what we want in relationships without being douche bags.

Am I holding my breath that someone else is going to teach this stuff? No. That’s why Steph and I created  Relationship Skills Boot Camp, the one-stop place for you to learn everything you need to have happy, fulfilled relationships—now and for the rest of your life.

Boot Camp isn’t easy. Sometimes we’ll tell you things you don’t want to hear. But everything we’ll teach you is essential. And it’s the result of:

  • 30 years of combined experience as licensed therapists.
  • YEARS of education (I have a PhD and Steph has a Master’s Degree).
  • Hard-won experience earned through the course of our 10+year-strong relationship (Monday was our 7-year anniversary)!

I don’t know ANYWHERE else you can get that.

And it’s only available for 3 more days.

So get in while you can.

P.S. What if you have questions as you take the course? You’ll be able to ask us questions directly during our LIVE, weekly video office hours. That’s a total of 9 live hours with us. This alone is worth $7,425.00 but you get it for free as part of the course. Get your weekly live access here.

How I fell on my ass on vacation (caught on video)

I have trouble relaxing. Even on vacation. Many of you know this about me.  But this last vacation, I promised Steph that I’d chill out.  I wouldn’t work. And I’d go to the beach. Every day.

It’s not that I don’t like the beach. It’s my favorite place on earth. It’s just haaaaard for me to relax – you know what I mean?  But a promise is a promise.

So, other than one itsy bitsy press interview, I didn’t work.

But I did have an accomplishment goal. It’s silly, but I’ve always wanted to learn gymnastics. Literally, my entire life. I remember being 30 (which seems like a lifetime ago), when my company’s location sat above a state-of-the-art gymnastics academy and I thought to myself, I’m too old for this.

I don’t know if I’ve lost some brain cells in my old age – or maybe just some insecurities – but, inspired by the 2016 Summer Olympics, I decided I was going to learn how to do a handstand at the beach. With zero help.

There’s something about accomplishing a goal entirely on my own that gives me a greater sense of success than when someone holds my hand along the way.

So here’s where I began with this silly little goal of mine. All on my own. My first attempt. Baby steps.

Feeling confident, I practiced every single day. Steph offered to help me - to spot me. She’s an ice hockey player and recently fell in love with Cross Fit. But I didn’t want help. I didn’t want a spot. I wanted to do it on my own. So then this happened. On video of course. How sweet is Steph at the end, running to get me (I hit that sand pretty hard, btw)?  

I learned something from that moment in the sand:

I get why you want to learn relationship skills on your own.  Why you want to keep your journey private – a quiet goal. You’re just like me. You don’t want to dilute your accomplishment.

But what if I could save you from landing on your head the way I did?  My headache went away by morning, but the price of you not learning relationship skills could be more costly. You know that. I won’t bore you with the details again.

Anyway, after biting it that day on the beach, determined to hit my goal, I accepted a little help from my wife.

And I got to thinking about accepting help:

It seemed pretty easy to land that handstand with Steph by my side.  She’s done that very exercise (and every drill leading up to it) many times in Cross Fit. She knew exactly where I’d hit trouble, because the people who taught her supported her through those rough spots.

Registration for Relationship Skills Boot Camp closes at 10:00 p.m. ET this Sunday. That’s 5 days. Why not let Steph and me hold your hand through the wild west of relationship skills, saving you from failure, protecting your relationship, or, if you’re single, ensuring that your next relationship is a successful one?

Click here to hop over to RSBC’s website. And thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to watch me fall on my tush.