In the past week I’ve heard stories embodying both ends of the Fuck Buddy-Douche Bag Spectrum (yes, that’s the clinical term).
One of my clients was trying to be a fuck buddy with a guy who ultimately behaved like a DB.
A different client (also a female) is currently trying to be a fuck buddy without behaving like a DB.
Both clients gave me permission to draw inspiration from their stories in the hope that others might avoid the perils of this difficult balancing act.
As with so many relationship rules, we, the masses, are left to learn through trial and error – Unless, of course, you register for Relationship Skills Boot Camp, where you’ll get a bonus lesson that will teach you every rule you’ll need to navigate tricky relationship scenarios like this.
Click Here to jump to RelationshipSkillsBootCamp.com
Following is a list of DON’TS and DO’S.
Don’t have sleepovers. Even if you’re lesbian. Especially if you’re lesbian. Also, if you’re a straight guy. Or any guy. Or any female.
Don’t engage in PDA’s. It’s like marking your territory. And they’re not your territory if you only want to have sex.
Don’t continue if your partner develops feelings. Feelings disqualifies someone from being a fuck buddy. Don’t be selfish. You can’t sleep with your fuck buddy when she’s developing feelings for you without simultaneously being a douche bag. You don’t get everything you want. This isn’t kindergarten.
Don’t cuddle. Have sex, have a smoke / one last drink, watch a little TV / Netflix, and hit the road.
Don’t send sentimental texts. This includes but is not limited to, “I’m just thinking of you,” or, “Do you miss me?”
Here’s how I explained it to my client today (the one who wants to be the nice fuck buddy):
"I (Darcy) think of you (my client) during the week. Sometimes I see something funny that I know you’d laugh at, but I don’t give in to the impulse and text you. Why? Because I’m supposed to keep a professional boundary. So I wait (read: delay gratification) until our session. That way, I’m consistently sending you the message that I care about you and also that this is a professional relationship.”
Don’t make introductions. Your fuck buddy gets confused when you start introducing him/her to the people in your life. They may start to hope that your situationship will transition into a relationship. The key to casual is to keep it casual.
Don’t invite him/her to holidays or to your birthday. For the love of God – you’d think some things are obvious. Apparently not.
Don’t leave items at their house/allow them to leave items at yours. Is it awkward to give someone a to-go bag when you notice they left a toothbrush and clean underwear in your bathroom drawer? Of course. Which is why I’d never want a fuck buddy. This was your choice.
Do leave shortly after having sex. Shortly = 30-60 minutes post sex.
Do make sure your actions and words are in alignment. If you say you don’t want a relationship (which is what having this type of situation communicates), make sure your behaviors don’t provoke your partner to wonder if you mean it.
Do know your role in the power structure. The person who doesn’t want a relationship or who first proclaimed it, is, almost always, the one with the power. As the individual in power, you need to check yourself to ensure that you’re not misusing/abusing your power, or exploiting your partner.
Do accept and set boundaries. Don’t get lazy with the boundaries. Sleep in your own home. Take your shit with you. And make sure your partner takes their shit when they leave.
No one teaches us how to handle situations like this, but navigating them is essential to getting what we want in relationships without being douche bags.
Am I holding my breath that someone else is going to teach this stuff? No. That’s why Steph and I created Relationship Skills Boot Camp, the one-stop place for you to learn everything you need to have happy, fulfilled relationships—now and for the rest of your life.
Boot Camp isn’t easy. Sometimes we’ll tell you things you don’t want to hear. But everything we’ll teach you is essential. And it’s the result of:
- 30 years of combined experience as licensed therapists.
- YEARS of education (I have a PhD and Steph has a Master’s Degree).
- Hard-won experience earned through the course of our 10+year-strong relationship (Monday was our 7-year anniversary)!
I don’t know ANYWHERE else you can get that.
And it’s only available for 3 more days.
So get in while you can.
P.S. What if you have questions as you take the course? You’ll be able to ask us questions directly during our LIVE, weekly video office hours. That’s a total of 9 live hours with us. This alone is worth $7,425.00 but you get it for free as part of the course. Get your weekly live access here.